Anyone who has seen the Comedy Central show "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" will recognize the following. (If nothing else,
the setting for the show is called the Satellite Of Love, and yes
they DO use the acronym...) If you've never seen it, well, there's
this guy in a space station, see, and he made a couple of robots
to help him pass the time while these two mad scientists make him
watch some of the worst movies ever made. We're talking the motion-
picture equivalent of the Morris "Land Crab" here. Great show, one
of the rare places where you can hear humorous references to Friedrich
Nietszche and the Three Stooges within ninety seconds of one another.
The primary characters are Joel Robinson, "just another face in a red
jumpsuit" and the human lead; the mechanical crew includes Crow T. Robot,
a gold-painted vaguely anthropoid figure with the character of a
wacky wiseacre, and Tom Servo, a disaffected, intellectual cynic
who looks like a gumball machine with a glandular problem. Great
show; if you ever think the stuff I write is funny, chances are
you'll enjoy it.
While I was pulling things off The Green Car's head last night and
looking for places to keep the various nuts, bolts, and fasteners,
I realized yet again that I was missing out on something by buying
only whole-bean, freshly roasted coffee: no place to dump all the
tinkly bits as I removed them from the car. I managed to dig a couple
of empty bags out of the trash, however, and found that they really
work well in place of the ubiquitous metal container; not only can
you write on them with a pen, pencil, or crayon, you don't end up with
storage bins that look like they're part of a monogrammed set for Our
Illustrious Administrator.
But then, as the Castrol fumes began to take hold, I could imagine Joel
and the 'bots doing something like this:
[Scene opens; Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in Deep 13]
DR. F: So, Joel, what do you and your ferruginous freaks have
for this week's Invention Exchange?
[Cut to Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow on the Satellite Of Love]
JOEL: Well, sirs, tonight we've got a little something that
solves a pressing problem as restorers of hopelessly
shot old British sports cars continue their gradual
climb up-market.
TOM: As everyone knows, the traditional vessel for storing
greasy nuts and bolts removed from a restoration project
is that American cultural icon, the coffee can.
CROW: But as old sports cars become increasingly valuable and
appeal to the white-wine-and-Brie crowd, the coffee can
has gone the way of the buggy whip, the vacuum tube, and
the command-line interpreter.
TOM: Yes, today's trend-following gourmet wannabe wouldn't be
caught dead using canned coffee; only whole beans in little
paper bags are good enough for these folks.
JOEL: So we've come up with a packaging solution that we call...
ALL: CHOCK FULL O' NUTS AND BOLTS!
TOM: Yes, the Chock Full O' Nuts and Bolts kit comes with everything
you see here:
CROW: A handy notepad for cross-referencing your components with the
coffee varietal imprinted on the bag!
TOM: For example, we've secretly replaced the Sumatra Mandheling
normally shipped in this fine gourmet coffee roasting
company's bag with several dozen 5/16" bolts of questionable
trueness and thread integrity...
CROW: While this bag originally used to store Burundi AA beans prepared
in the hearty but mellow Full City Roast, according to the chart,
contains M.G. head nuts.
JOEL: Of course, any normal mechanic would simply throw these away and
buy new ones at any hardware store.
TOM: But for the real maniac about authenticity, these can be stored
in convenient, flexible and easy-to-handle sacks until such
time as the project car is sold to an unsuspecting goof who
scoops it up and hauls it away in several cardboard boxes.
JOEL: Not only that, but if you've replaced your once-convenient
Mister Coffee-type automatic brewing system for a Chemex drip
pot or a French press, we include everything you need to convert
your old coffee pot into a hot-liquid parts washer.
CROW: Brake cleaner? You're soaking in it!
JOEL: And best of all, the Chock Full O' Nuts and Bolts Storage Kit
fills your garage with the rich, warm smell of freshly roasted
gourmet coffee while you tinker.
TOM: I love the smell of Yemeni mocha in the morning... smells like --
like victory.
ALL: Chock Full O' Nuts and Bolts -- The gourmet way to maintain
your classic-to-be!
JOEL: Well, sirs, what do you think?
[Cut to Deep 13]
DR.F: I think it's pretty clear who the head nuts are in this project,
and they're not in any little paper bag. Push the button, Frank.
[Iris close to black; cue theme music]
--Scott "Actually, M.G. stands for Meshuggineh Gourmet" Fisher
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