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FW: TOOLS

To: "'mg'" <mgs@Autox.Team.Net>, mgccnwc-list <mgccnwc-list@eskimo.com>
Subject: FW: TOOLS
From: "Randy Rees (Volt Computer)" <a-rrees@microsoft.com>
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:43:04 -0700
>                              TOOLS
> 
> HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
>   nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
>   car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
> 
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of
>   cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
>   particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
>   tonneau covers.
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:  Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
>   in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
>   for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car
>   just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
> 
> HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
>   board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked,
>   unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
>   its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is
>   available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
>   to the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
>   garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth
>   socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because
>   you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter
>   you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
> 
> ZIPPO LIGHTER:  See oxyacetylene torch.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS:  Once used for working on older British cars and
>   motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old
>   Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no
>   good reason.
> 
> DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
>   flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
>   the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
>   against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
>   somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also
>   removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
>   about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
>   after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
>   springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:  Used for levering a car upward
>   off a hydraulic jack.
> 
> TWEEZERS:  A tool for removing wood splinters.
> 
> PHONE:  Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
>   another hydraulic floor jack.
> 
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:  Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
>   for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
>   your boot.
> 
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:  A tool that snaps off in bolt
>   holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
> 
> TIMING LIGHT:  A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
>   buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
> 
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:  A handy tool for testing the
>   tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines
>   you may have forgotten to disconnect.
> 
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:  A large motor mount prying
>   tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
>   on the end without the handle.
> 
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:  A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
>   acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
> determining
>   that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
> 
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:  See hacksaw.
> 
> TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called
>   a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin"
>   which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits
>   aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
>   the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
>   the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark
>   than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>   paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
>   used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR:  A machine that takes energy produced in a
>   coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
>   compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
>   impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
>   40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them
> off.
> 
> 

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