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Knucklebusters Lexicon

To: "'GN Post'" <gnttype@gnttype.org>, "'MG submission'" <mgs@autox.team.net>,
Subject: Knucklebusters Lexicon
From: "Cordell, Ralph Ph.D." <rzc4@cdc.gov>
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 11:27:08 -0500
Mechanic's Tool Guide
> 
> HAMMER:   Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
> object we are trying to hit.
> 
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:   Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing such item as; leather seats, motorcycle jackets, plastic oil
> cans.
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:   Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their
> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
> mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
> wheel.
> 
> PLIERS:   Used to round off bolt heads.
> 
> HACKSAW:   One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle.   It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
> your future becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS:   Used to round off bolt heads.   If nothing else is
> available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
> 
> OXYACETELENE TORCH:   Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside
> a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS:   Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
> 
> DRILL PRESS:   A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL BRUSH:   Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light.   Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
> tosay,
> "Ouch...."
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:   Used for lowering a car to the ground after
> youhave
> installed new front disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under
> the front fender.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:   Used for levering a car upward off a
> hydraulic jack.
> 
> PHONE:   Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
> 
> TWEEZERS:   A tool for removing wood splinters.
> 
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:   Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> 
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:   A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
> 
> TIMING LIGHT:   A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
> 
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:   A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
> 
> CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:   A large motor mount prying tool that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
> the handle.
> 
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:   A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> your
> battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
> 
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:   See hacksaw.
> 
> TROUBLE LIGHT:   The mechanic's own tanning booth.   Sometimes called a
> drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
> not otherwise found under automobiles at night.   Health benefits aside,
> its
> main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
> the
> Battle of the Bulge.   More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:   Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
> the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR:   A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts
> last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them
> off.
> 
> PRY BAR:   A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER:   A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.
> 
Ralph Cordell
rzc4@cdc.gov
'59 MGA
'84 Turbo Regal
'87 Grand National
'96 Roadmonster

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