In slightly altered form, I believe this lexicon was once submitted to this
very list, credited to Peter Egan (?), originally published in C&D. For
some reason, someone has seen fit to edit out the fact that the
oxyacetalyne torch is most useful for lighting six month old Salems, that
the whitworth drawer is used to hide that six month old pack of Salems from
a wife who'd throw them out for no good reason, and most blasphemously of
all, they changed the location of the bolt tightening to Springfield from
ABINGDON.
Other than that, thanks for the repost, and I won't blame you for the
editing, Ralph. You didn't do it, did you?
>Mechanic's Tool Guide
>>
>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
>> object we are trying to hit.
>>
>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>> cardboard
>> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
>> containing such item as; leather seats, motorcycle jackets, plastic oil
>> cans.
>>
>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
>> their
>> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
>> mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
>> wheel.
>>
>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>>
>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
>> your future becomes.
>>
>> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
>> available,
>> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
>> hand.
>>
>> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
>> inside
>> a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>>
>> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ‡
>> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>
>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
>> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
>> painted part you were drying.
>>
>> WIRE WHEEL BRUSH: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
>> somewhere
>> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
>> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
>> tosay,
>> "Ouch...."
>>
>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
>> youhave
>> installed new front disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under
>> the front fender.
>>
>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
>> hydraulic jack.
>>
>> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
>> floor jack.
>>
>> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>>
>> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>>
>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
>> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>>
>> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>>
>> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
>> disconnect.
>>
>> CRAFTSMAN ‡ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
>> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
>> the handle.
>>
>> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
>> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
>> your
>> battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>>
>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>
>> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
>> drop
>> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
>> not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside,
>> its
>> main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
>> 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
>> the
>> Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
>> misleading.
>>
>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
>> the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
>> bolts
>> last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them
>> off.
>>
>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>> bracket
>> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ‡ inch too short.
>>
>Ralph Cordell
>rzc4@cdc.gov
>'59 MGA
>'84 Turbo Regal
>'87 Grand National
>'96 Roadmonster
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