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NO LBC: Ways to Better Enjoy the Real Iowa

To: soavero@yahoo.com, spridgets@autox.team.net
Subject: NO LBC: Ways to Better Enjoy the Real Iowa
Date: Fri, 1 Jun 2001 18:21:12 -0500
In response to the claimed lack of availability of Italian food here in
God's country (which I must admit may be true), the following is offered
with emphasis on item two:
Ways to Better Enjoy the Real Iowa
1.         Iowa, contrary to Des Moines area belief, extends past the
Polk County line.  Dont confuse anything you see or hear in the Des
Moines, Quad City, Ames, or Iowa City areas as being representative of
the rest of the state.  We only keep them around because its easier to
keep an eye on them that way.  Suggest we should be more like them, and
well kick your ass. 
2.         Dont order pasta primavera or anything with bean sprouts at
any place outside of Des Moines.  We eat normal food.  Upset the lady in
the kitchen, and shell kick your ass.
3.         Dont laugh at the names of our little towns (Diagonal, Coin,
Gravity) or mispronounce Nevada (its Ne-vay-da, dimwit), or someone
from there will kick your ass. 
4.         Dont ask for soda here or youll get a box of white powder.
 If you want a carbonated soft drink, its called pop.  Accept it. 
Otherwise, itll lead to an ass kicking. 
5.         We know our heritage, cultures, and traditions.  We had a
Brown v. Board of Education decision 25 years before the rest of the
bass-ackwards country, and invented the first computer AND the Eskimo
Pie.  Most of us are more literate, better educated, more reasonable, and
generally a lot nicer than you.  Dont refer to us as a bunch of hicks or
rednecks or you will get your ass kicked.
6.         We have plenty of common sense.  Naturally, we do have small
lapses in judgment from time to time, like not taxing the hell outta the
tourists, but were not stupid enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If she tried that here, wed kick her ass
out.  
7.         When in Audubon, dont suggest that Albert the Bull is missing
his genitalia or make other crude remarks, lest some gentleman in a seed
cap, out walking with his gal, feels called upon to kick your ass. 
8.         No, we dont shoot poor defenseless Bambi.  Most hunters
harvest full-grown, surplus whitetail deer.  The deer and the antelope
might play in the song, but around here, they tear up the crops that we
make a living from.  Besides, the pissed-off doe, buck, or hunter you
interfere with will give your PETA loving ass a kicking it wont soon
forget. 
9.         Dont order a vegetarian plate at the local diner.  Everyone
will instantly know youre a tourist.  Eat your steak well done like God
intended, and have some corn and a baked potato alongside.  Dont ask
what a hot dish is, or someone in the place will kick your ass. 
10.       We dont have accents.  However, that nasally squalling you
call speech barely rises to the level of intelligibility (we wont
address intelligence).  Make fun of the way we speak n yer gonna git a
ass kickin fer shur. 
11.       Dont sneer at guns in the back windows of our trucks and talk
about how civilized things are back home, because we know better.  Most
of us have been to big-city hellholes like Detroit, New York, and LA, and
some have scars to prove it.  If you dont like it here, I-29, I-80, and
I-35 are easily accessible to the local UPS and FedEx terminals.  Freight
your ass back home before it gets kicked. 
12.       Yes, we know ice fishing is not your thing.  We dont care. 
If you dont understand the beauty out on a lake when its 10 below, then
you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. We are fully aware
how cold it gets here in the winter, so dont block the heater in the
fish house or a real angler will kick your ass.
13.       Dont complain that Iowa is flat and that there arent enough
trees.  You obviously havent ridden across the state on a bicycle during
RAGBRAI, or dont realize that farmland requires openness.  Whine about
OUR scenic beauty and well kick your ass all the way back to Cleveland. 
14.       Dont ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired mothers and grandmothers, or they will kick some
manners into your smart ass just like they did ours. 
15.       So you think were quaint or losers because most of us prefer
to live on the plains or enjoy the smaller rural towns?  Thats because
we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like San Francisco, New York, Chicago, Omaha, or Washington,
DC.  Make fun of our amber waves of grain and well kick your ass.
16.       Dont even suggest that we lack morals or common sense because
we embrace ALL the amendments to the Constitution.  Anyone interfering
with our Constitutional rights may get their leftist ass shot.  Want some
of the same?
 17.       Ignore the derogatory and jealous comments of anyone living in
a border state.  We take advantage of them for their businesses and
services, and leave without having to pay property taxes to support their
incompetent local governments or suffer their higher crime rates and
generally poor quality of living.  What really pisses them off, though,
is that we invite em over to drink at our bars after theirs close, get
em excited at the purveyors of adult entertainment, take their money at
our casinos, and then send em home  drunk, horny, and broke  for their
police to deal with.  And they cant annex us, OR kick our ass.



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