This came to me on the Jag list about Jaguar Diseases, I changed all the
Jaguars to Triumph so it would read better.
Spontaneous Part Regeneration SPR:
The innate ability of any Triumph part, when dismantled from the car after
failure and replacement, to "heal" itself and be suitable for service again
if left
in a closed dark place for long enough, or immediately upon the part no
longer being available either rebuilt of NOS from any source.
Indications:
A) Immaculate diaphragm healing.
B) Spring height re-establishment.
C) Piston Ovality suddenly acceptable.
D) The inclusion of the phrase "Close enough" in your vocabulary.
E) A .22 feeler gauge appears thin.
F) Sand blasted Pot metal parts look almost as good as new.
G) The sure and certain hope that "Maybe THIS time it won't break" becomes
dogma.
H) A loss of memory for exactly how many miles the part already had on it,
but the conviction that it "wasn't much".
Scroungers Scourge:
This affliction usually occurs early in the restoration, in what
Psychological experts have come to call the "Collection" phase. It is
typified by the patient scouring auto-jumbles, and junk yards for ANY
period parts and / or accessories. Said material is then acquired, and
although it has no use whatever in the restoration of the car at hand, is
trotted out at the merest suggestion of the slightest hint of the
drop of a hat with the wry comment : "You've never seen one of these…." or
"I know lots of people who would kill to have some of these….". After
appropriate billing and cooing over the object(s), the patients status has
risen immensely, and the material is then re-shelved to await the next
victim. There is no known cure. Early stages of this affliction are
characterized by people commenting that they 've " ….got two of those back
home in the barn…." when shown a particularly desirable piece at an
auto-jumble.
Occularmetrinchosis:
The developed ability to instantly tell which nuts and bolts on a Triumph
are metric, which are not, and which wrenches can be cross-referenced to
round the shoulders of both. Often mis-diagnosed as Hexasnapophobia, or
fear of reading wrench sizes, and frequently confused with rank stupidity,
the afflicted person can often be heard mumbling: " I don't get it. It
worked on MY car…"
Biomechanical Bonding:
Dismissed by some as a myth, researchers are increasingly convinced of the
existence of this strange phenomenon, which to date apparently is prevalent
only with British made Automotive paraphernalia. Symptoms appear shortly
after meticulous attention to detail is maintained when re-building a
particular part with the factory approved kit and complete instructions,
and the subsequent part is correctly installed using original gaskets,
sealers and proper toeque specifications.
(The most severe evidence has been collected from Lucas Generators , S.U.
and Stromberg Carburettors and Triumph Distributers). When correctly
assembled and installed with care, the part will have so bonded with it's
maker, that it will steadfastly refuse to function on it's own, and "Just
want to be taken apart again". Slap-dash assembly, therefore, can not be
too highly recommended.
Double Optipupilotomytosis, or "Bush Babies Syndrome":
A condition caused by driving Triumph at night, relying on Lucas to show
you where your dash-board is. The victim's pupils often expand to ten times
their normal size, requiring them sometimes to wear sun-glasses at night
when arriving at their destination. Sufferers often prefer the company of
their own, to avoid the possibility of being suddenly blinded by lighted
cigarettes, flash cameras or inadvertently stepping in front of a BMW.
Sportsmans Crook-neck:
A painful and embarrassing physical condition, caused by Triumph drivers
cocking their heads back, while leaning forward, to actually see the end of
the front wing when pulling out of a parking space. Sufferers are
frequently confused with erudite snobs, due to the "Nose in the air" stance
they assume in public. The experienced Triumph driver, however, will
instantly recognize this for the debilitating condition that it is, and
take pity on the afflicted.
Retrovisionary Trauma:
A syndrome shared with Sail-boat owners. The disease is typified by an
inability to remember anything about past Triumph ownership, except through
a rose-colored fog.
Merlin Syndrom:
The conviction that normal physical laws do not apply to common consumable
parts on Triumph.
They wear out due to:
A) Anger
B) Boredom
C) Somebody else's incompetence
D) Magic.
Fahrvernugen:
The inability to recognize that common consumable parts on Triumph do not
wear out due to:
A) Anger
B) Boredom
C) Someone else's incompetence
D) Magic.
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