nbr-observations on life

[JIMME52@aol.com]

>> DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
>>
>> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who  died
>> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming  like all the
>> passengers in his car."
>> --Author  Unknown
>>
>> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of  tension and you
>> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin  bottle:
>> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from  children."
>> --Author Unknown
>>
>> 3) "Oh, you hate  your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
>> a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and
>> they meet at the bar."
>> --Drew  Carey
>>
>> 4) "The problem with the designated driver  program, it's
>> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked  into
>> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the  night,
>> drop them off at the wrong house."
>> --Jeff  Foxworthy
>>
>> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching  a fly ball
>> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save  the
>> infant's life without even considering if there is a man  on
>> base."
>> --Dave Barry
>>
>> 6)  "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
>> should  treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
>> wants to leave  you, they should give you two weeks'
>> notice. There should be  severance pay, the day before
>> they leave you, they should have to  find you a temp."
>> --Bob Ettinger
>>
>> 7) "My Mom  said she learned how to swim when someone
>> took her out in the lake  and threw her off the boat. I said,
>> 'Mom, they weren't trying to  teach you how to swim.'"
>> --Paula Poundstone
>>
>>  8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
>> better  verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
>> authors of that  study: "Duh."
>> --Conan O'Brien
>>
>> 9) "Why does  Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
>> halfway through my fish  burger and I realize, Oh my God....
>> I could be eating a slow  learner."
>> --Lynda Montgomery
>>
>> 10) "I think  that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
>>  people in New  York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
>> and  the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
>>  west.'"
>> --Richard Jeni
>>
>> 11) "If life were  fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
>> impersonators would be  dead."
>> --Johnny Carson
>>
>> 12) "Sometimes I  think war is God's way of teaching us
>> geography."
>> --Paul  Rodriguez
>>
>> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to  Florida, but  they
>> turned sixty and that's the law."
>> --Jerry  Seinfeld
>>
>> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were  told that in
>> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single  file line
>> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?  What,
>> do tall people burn slower?"
>> --Warren  Hutcherson
>>
>> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too  many. Monogamy
>> is the same."
>> --Oscar  Wilde
>>
>> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you  were a
>> member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
>>  --Mark Twain
>>
>> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average  high school
>> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
>> --A.  Whitney Brown
>>
>> 18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men  just need a
>> place."
>> --Billy  Crystal
>>
>> 19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and  the dog
>> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're  right!
>> I never would've thought of that!'"
>> --Dave  Barry
>>
>> 20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because  "Mad
>> Cow Disease" was taken.
>> --Unknown, presumed  deceased