John Cleese in a recent interview was asked what, in comparison to
the United States, was so great about Great Britain. He replied: "First
we speak English, second when we hold a world sporting
championship we invite other countries to participate, and thirdly when
we greet our head of state we are only required to go down on *one*
knee."
.....................................................................
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of
the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
alone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA.. !"
>>"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
>>overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before
>>assisting children or adults acting like children."
>>
>>"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
>>belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
>>flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>>
>>"Last one off the plane must clean it."
>>
>>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
>>some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately
none
>>of them are on this flight...!
>>
>>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake
>>City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite
>>a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
>>wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the
>>flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"
>>
>>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his
>>ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required
>>the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
give
>>a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light
of
>>his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>>thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had
>>gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She
said,
>>"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot,
>>"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
>>down?"
>>
>>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>>particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain
>>was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
>>Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>>welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
>>fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
>>gate!"
>>
>>Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We
>>ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>>terminal."
>>
>>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
>>when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
>>that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>>
>>>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight
>>XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
>>buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and
if
>>you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
>>public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
>>oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
>>mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
>>with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
>>traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
>>
>>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>>they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>>remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
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