I scammed this list from a 50's Pontiac e-mail list, but it is very
appropriate for us OleTruckers too. Maybe it will make up for
my re-opening the rod-freak vs. resto-freak can of worms.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works
great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake
line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its' course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch....."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle
to the ground after you have installed your new front
disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for
levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful
as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice
through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that
snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than
any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
illuminating grease buildup..
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy
tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps
and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A
large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool
for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to
the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a Drop Light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not
otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health
benefits aside, its' main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is some-what misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab
the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench
that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50 years ago
by someone in Meridian, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50" part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 "
too short.
oletrucks is devoted to Chevy and GM trucks built between 1941 and 1959
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