>From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old British
sports cars get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker
or a friend or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the
trouble light gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy
and say, "Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really
like to own?"
To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched
quiz (meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on
this instead of cataloguing illustrations) that will help you in
such times. Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by
electronic mail and please have your Visa card number at the
top of the message -- and just pass them out whenever someone
sighs, looks at your classic ride, and says "You know, I always
wanted one of those..." This quiz will give them the definitive
answer to the question of whether they're the right kind of
person to own a British sports car. Use a #2 pencil, take your
time, and remember, answer truthfully -- the marriage you
save may be your own!
1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The
dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
to charge the battery quickly.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
new battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780 to
replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a
new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.
3. Having decided to sell the car, you dither about what to get,
and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
it their highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
C. A Jaguar XJ-S. I mean, as long as the car's going to give you
electrical problems, you might as well have something absolutely
glorious, right?
4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice
because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
full asking price on the trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some
things are just more important than others.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when the
preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then sits on
the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on the
new paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see where the
drips under it are coming from.
7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
B. Look through the Tire Rack ads in back issues of Road and Track
to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
C. Look through the Moss Motors catalog to see when they're
planning a sale so you can stock up on the parts you expect to
fail in the next few months.
8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Oil Changers -- after all, it's important to have a
handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Drain the sump and refill it with Castrol -- after all,
Col. George E. T. Eyston was sponsored by Castrol for all of his
famous record-breaking runs in the Fifties.
9. When it's time for its first overnight service, you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
you've been in this one.
B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality means you
should never have to worry about service, right?
C. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
while you respray the fenders where they got damaged when you
dropped the engine hoist on them, which you needed because you
can't get to the two rearmost sparkplugs without pulling the motor,
and when you did that the engine hoist tilted forward, and you
figure you're *sure* you can drive it on those motor mounts if
you use Grade 8 hardware, they're not really bent all THAT
badly, and it was only a heater hose that got ruptured and you
can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
don't run the heater till then...
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced
safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an accident.
That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start the
car on the first three tries, how to keep it running without stalling
until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the power
windows, the bass button on the radio works the parking lights and
the heater fan, and the rear defroster switch works the high beams,
and of course the heater hose got ruptured when you were changing
the spark plugs so be sure to bring a sweater and a towel to clear the
condensation off the inside of the windshield. Oh, and don't forget
not to push in the cigarette lighter. You don't want to know what
happens if you do that.
YOUR SCORE
If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a
Volvo. Rush right out and buy one, preferably an 850, which after
all has front-wheel drive and is therefore more up-to-date. Be sure
to ask the car sales person about what all the letters and numbers on
the tires mean; after all, it's the sales person's job to be completely
informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?
If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the important thing.
If you answered C, you may actually be far enough gone to own a
British car. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed
ice in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel
with used motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out
in the rain overnight, smiling like an idiot because you know
that the experience builds Character. If you manage that,
you're in the club!
--Scott "1. C, 2. C, 3. C, 4. C, 5. C, 6. C, 7. C, 8. C, 9. C, 10. C" Fisher
Scott Fisher
Work fisher@avistar.com Home SEFisher@AOL.com
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